so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
