we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
