I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
