Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My vagina just recognized that song.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
