I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
