I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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