i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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