a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
