Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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