Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We left the knife in your bed.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
