I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
