16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
