you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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