i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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