i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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