Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
