I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
