I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
