Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
