I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
