Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
if only i could text you this smell
my being single is dangerous.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
