ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
