turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
