no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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