we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
