1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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