how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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