sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
