Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
