Got a toothbrush?
Can i not drive my cunt home
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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