She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
