Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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