i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
