we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
