I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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