no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
