i just sent this text using only my big toe
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
