Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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