genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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