Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
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I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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