my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
