So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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