I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
