A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
