Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
