tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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