I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You took a bar mat shot.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
