dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
