I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm passing your future prison.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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