You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
