My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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