Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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