I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
