Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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