just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
