Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
