Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
