Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
