oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
even my farts smell like vagina
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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