I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
