if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
